Foster Care or Adoption?
Navigating Foster Care & Adoption
Pursuing legal custody and adoption of grandchildren
As you probably know by now my husband and I adopted our two young grandchildren. It was a long and tedious process. Part of the delay was not knowing the whereabouts of the father, our son and the fact, the children had lived in another state prior.
The first three months with the boys were spent getting settled and adjusting to our new lives. We needed everything. (Beds, clothes, doctors, dentists, daycare, etc. ) My husband and I had just sold our home prior to getting “the call”. Ironically, we were in the process of downsizing. We were in a small rental waiting to build what we expected to be our retirement home. We were planning for the rest of our lives. Until, we got “the call”.
Temporary Custody
Both boys, were sick, emotionally and physically. The federal and state systems do not provide options or support for this “transitional” period. Nothing is legal until you have your day in court. Even then, expect delays. The legal process takes months to arrange and the state have requirements. The boys had to be domiciled in their new home state for at least 90 days (each state can vary) prior to requesting legal custody. Challenges were many. We needed things like, medical insurance coverage, copies of birth certificates, social security cards and proof of legal custody to enroll in school and daycare. It was difficult. The boys were in limbo and we were too.
Custody in Limbo
The most challenging situation was the inability to get medical care from any state agencies, doctor’s office or clinic. Without “legal” custody or medical insurance coverage, it was just about impossible. Most, would not entertain services due to the “legal” circumstances. Not even, if we paid cash. Both boys were sick with upper respiratory and ear infections. From one walk-in clinic to another I went. Carrying a screaming baby on one arm and a four yr old on the other. We experienced raised eyebrows, stares and innuendos. Along with it comments about not having insurance and no concern for the children’s obvious illness. Finally, we happened upon a clinic that would gladly accept $300 to get past the front desk. At this point, I would have paid just about anything,….I just wanted medical care for my babies!
Department of Children Services DCS
Too fully explain, we had reached out to our state department of children services (DCS) prior. Too say, it was disappointing would not even begin to explain the lack of concern shown. Due to the fact, their mother had been on welfare benefits and was still receiving such. This automatically disqualified the boys for benefits of any kind. Next, was my community health department. I had made the assumption, the boys would be accepted here. Wrong! Same issue as the DCS. The health department nurse explained she could not provide medical care. But, they would be “happy to provide healthy visits”. Ridiculous! Naive to the “system”- Apparently! How could this be true. Why wasn’t the children’s welfare a concern? You need to know children and grandparents have absolutely no rights until the courts make it legal!
Helpful TIP:
A website that could help. It’s a government website for finding local agencies (i.e. Department of children services in TN, for example) information for all US states -https://www.usa.gov/state-local-governments)
Nothing You Can Do
Without legal custody we were out of options. I was a grandmother trying to save the boys from being wards of the state while having zero support from either state! My babies were sick and abandoned. I was just not aware of how broken the system is. In a nutshell, the various agencies conversations ended with “there is nothing we can do”. Wrong answer! I understand policy and procedures but, what about the rights of the boys? These boys were technically without a state or country. Not to mention, reeling from the emotional trauma of losing their parents. This was NOT ok!
Foster Care
One of the agencies, suggested we consider fostering the boys. The state foster program would help with medical insurance and living expenses. (assuming the mother canceled her welfare benefits, first) This program had many considerations. The program guidelines are not geared for permanent placement. The troubling issue for us was the fact the children could be released back to their parents or possibly, be given to another foster family without our consent. We were assured this was unlikely none the less, we were not willing to risk the welfare of our grandsons.
Adoption Paperwork
At this point, enough was enough! Financially, we were struggling with the expenses. Fortunately, we had saved for a rainy day. Unfortunately, this was a tsunami! We knew in our hearts, adoption was the only option to fully protect the boys. We had been working with an attorney to start the legal custody paperwork. We were still awaiting placement on the court docket. This was a four month process. Once, the custody was established we would have yet another waiting period of 6 months before we could start the adoption process.
Pros and Cons Foster Care
Foster care has it’s benefits. You should talk to a trusted family attorney or seasoned child social worker for the pros and cons with fostering to adoption. Due to our age and the younger age of our grandkids it made sense to adopt. It not only gives us parental rights but with the added bonus of not worrying about the birth parents “what if’s” down the road.
Pros and Cons Adoption
As grandparents raising kiddos it’s also important to plan for your financial future. If you adopt Social Security minor dependent benefits would be available when you draw Social Security. Something to consider as expenses will be more. The benefit amount varies based on the individual filing and age of child.
Worth the Wait
We eventually finalized the adoption. Twenty months later. It’s been 4 years now and we can honestly say we would make the same decision.
Note: After this medical experience, I learned we could have taken the boys to an emergency room at the local hospital. Medical care would have been provided.
Fortunately, we found a pediatrician and her family. They opened their hearts to our family. Thank you FOREVER, Dr. Baxter and family!
Helpful TIPS:
Here are a few website that could help with your research:
USA Government Website -location specific
"Everything about adopting or fostering grandchildren is hard. The day you're handed your child's children is a day your heart will surely break and somehow, at the same exact time you start to heal. Love has a way with the heart.